Prince Charles meets Doc Barbara

   Doc Barbara asked to meet Prince Charles who, as we all know, made a recent triumphant appearance on television as a weather forecaster. After she had witnessed his charismatic professionalism, she challenged him to a biscuit-dunking competition as a sequel. Both would be equipped with their own personal mugs filled with Doc Barbara's favourite Earl Grey: he would immerse a Duchy of Cornwall biscuit therein and she her Rich Tea (each in his/her own mug, of course.) An impartial judge with a stop-watch would measure which lasted the longer without disintegrating (the biscuits not the contestants.)

   As Prince of Wales, he declared himself honoured to accept and visit idyllic Monmouthshire, birthplace of Henry V, for this historic occasion. However, they both became so involved in animated discussions about frogs (see below) that they ate their entire packets in one go without dunking. "Oh dear!" said HRH wistfully, "Mummy may be disappointed that I have been naughty and consumed the main treat for her Jubilee tea, but I have so enjoyed my Royal Self this afternoon." The contest was declared a draw and a further one arranged for an indefinite date in the future.

Editor's note. Well, that really takes the biscuit!

A young frog on one of Doc Barbara's new circular tea bags.

Doc Barbara worried about frogs

   It has come to our attention that Doc Barbara, concerned for wildlife as always, is deeply troubled about the lack of frogs in her pond this year: "Normally there is a mass of spawn followed, according to Mother Nature's eternal decree, by tadpoles and froglets, but this year my pond is barren," she reports.  "I have done everything, given them tasty morsels to eat and sometimes sat by the pond all night under my umbrella to support them in multiplying.  But to no avail. 

   Finally, I asked a neighbour to give me two frogs of, I hope, different genders.  I placed them in turn on one of my new circular tea bags to give them a soft springboard into the pond. After all, I learned so much from my attendance at the World Diving Cup Finals.  It was a crisis and, at such a crucial moment, I believe in decisiveness: I always bite the bull by the horns."

   Editor's note:  Here we have another of Doc Barbara's felicitous mixing of aphorisms for dramatic effect but I have one query. Is it just me or is there a problem of scale on the photograph?

David Cameron on Doc Barbara

Guest editorial by David Cameron as dictated to our cub reporter:

   When I first conceived my concept of the Big Society, I had no conception that I would find anyone who defined it as well as does Doc Barbara.   In fact, I am greatly relieved that she has defined it as I was having some difficulty defining it myself, particularly when asked.   Doc Barbara is Big in every way except where she is Small: Big Ideas, Big Achievements, Big Courage, Big Feet - sorry, Big Feats.  Where was I?  Ah - yes - stuck for ideas, that's where I was.  That is where I always am.  But - it is important to carry on even when stuck and that is what Doc Barbara represents: "Never stuck up, always stuck in" - and carrying on.   She does carry on - and how!  I approve of that and urge her as I have always urged you all, continue to urge you and will always urge you to: Carry on Doctor.

   Editor's note: Humph

What is it? A small prize will be offered for an accurate answer.

Doc Barbara nearly arrested!

   This reticent lady rarely tells us of her most intriguing adventures until long after the time, which can make life difficult for a newspaper. As we all know, she is a devoted grandmother and, some weeks ago, took her grandson to see the Women's Synchronised Diving World Cup Final at the Aquatics Centre in the Olympic Park.  "I chose this event because I know nothing about diving and cannot tell a pike from any other kind of fish," she explained, "but I can see if two people hit the water together."

   After this illustrious competition she spotted a helter-skelter outside, some distance away, and asked her grandson if he would like a slide on it followed by a triple ice-cream with assorted syrups and toppings.  We are offering a small prize for anyone who guesses at his answer (multiple choice - just 'Yes, please' or 'No, thank you' will do.)  The courageous pair set out with Doc Barbara ruminating learnedly on the expression 'helter-skelter': "English is particularly rich in these," she observed, "think of 'easy-peasy', 'even stevens' and 'hugger-mugger', the last appearing in Hamlet, of course."

   Her grandson's attention seemed to be focussed elsewhere and there will be another small prize for the most imaginative hunch as to what he was thinking.  But ... as they started to climb the structure with determination and panache, four burly security officers appeared as if by magic and seized them. There is a happy ending as she soon convinced them that her intentions were entirely innocent. We think it is her wholesome, cheerful face, so reminiscent of a hockey-playing sixth-former despite her age, that carries her through life. We have yet to know what the boy made of this incident but he did enjoy his ice-cream.

Editor's note:
   Our sceptical colleague down the corridor had some very unpleasant remarks to make on this report. Putting down his cigar and taking his legs off the desk, (he models himself on Walter Matthau in "The Front Page" - somewhat hubristic as he works for "The Brynbuga Beagle") he told us in a nastily opinionated tone: "The object at Stratford is an eminent sculpture by Anish Kapoor and Cecil Balmore and is called the ArcelorMittel Orbit. It has cost a fortune and is a modern classic." He is such a know-all!

FROM THE LETTER PAGE OF "THE MONMOUTHSHIRE MOUTHPIECE"
Dear Editor,
   We, the members of the Brynbuga W.U.G (Women's Undomesticated Group), wish to state our horror at the tone and content of our local reporter on "The Brynbuga Beagle".  He cannot be correct that the object in the photograph has such an outlandish, unpronounceable and trumped-up name as "ArcelorMittel Orbit".  We are so certain that Doc Barbara (whose character and doings are an inspiration to us all) is right and that it is a helter-skelter that we have hired a coach to take us all on an expedition on Saturday next to test her belief. We will form an orderly crocodile outside the structure and, armed with our small, individual Yoga mats, prepare to slide in formation down the helix.

   The luxury charabanc will depart from W.U.G Hall at 5 a.m. on the dot and will arrive at Stratford-upon-Avon at approximately 9 a.m. (It is characteristic of our unpatriotic renegade that he omitted the last part of the place name, thus removing the recognisable reference to our renowned Bard, and referred to the Olympic Venue as merely Stratford. Will all participants please bring their W.U.G rugs, flasks and sandwiches as it could be a very long day.

A New Leaf

   After one of her manifestations of derring-do Doc Barbara likes to refresh herself with Earl Grey made in a pot acquired from the late lamented Woolworth's. Until recently she has used square tea bags but has now become convinced that the new design circular ones are infinitely more effective. "I have experimented over several months," she told our chief reporter, as he enjoyed sharing this simple. patriotic British indulgence, "and done many an algorithm. I now feel that the old ones are out-of-date, 'square' as we used to say and no longer my cup of tea."

   Editor's note:
I could not trust this vital assignment to our cub reporter who would have been overwhelmed at the very idea of sharing a repast with Doc Barbara. I also knew that we would need to capture her highly individual use of idioms, here revealing the true depth of two common sayings. What a woman! But was the tea-pot in the photo really from Woolworth's? It looks more like Ikea to me, though Doc Barbara never knowingly buys foreign goods.