Doc Barbara moves up the Chain of Being

   Readers will have noted Doc Barbara's interest in invertebrates (in her worm-training programme which was hugely successful) and amphibians (in her encouragement to male frogs to perform their natural functions this spring which inexplicably failed to achieve its aims, despite help from the W.U.G) and may have wondered why she does not engage with other species.

   She is well aware that the higher animals come close to humanity in the great Chain of Being and has always been deterred from any dealing with monkeys or apes since the phrase "group of primates" always brings to her mind unwanted images of bishops in conclave (somewhat unfortunately the reverse is also the case).  However, on her recent travels, she encountered scenes of distress which she felt necessitated her help. When she saw two sheep in a muddy field, cold and wet with their wool bedraggled, she bought them substantial raincoats, intended for larger dogs and was relieved to see them much happier as a result.

   She then observed two bears struggling to carry a heavy bench - back-breaking work - and ran to ask six sturdy male passers-by for their assistance. After several minutes of bewildered consultation, they obliged and all is now well.

   Yet, did our heroine rest? She may have relaxed physically after her exertions but her mind remained active attempting to answer the existentialist questions; "Why do sheep always behave like sheep?" and: "If there are two bears in a garden does that make it a bear garden?" Truly, Doc Barbara spares herself nothing to promote public benefit.

Vital Clue to Disappearance of Frogs

   A few weeks ago Doc Barbara called upon the investigative expertise of the W.U.G. (Women's Undomesticated Group) to help solve the problem of her frogless pond. She had hoped to enlist Alpha Male Pin-Up Mr Froggie to inspire others to return and perform their Springtime duties of procreation but this exclusive photograph shows why this may not be possible for some time.

   Doc Barbara believes that her ally had realised that the pond needed a sloping plank of wood to help his fellow amphibians climb out and had gone to a carpentry workshop to create a suitable exit strategy. Here, on a cutting edge piece of equipment, our hero sustained the injury which has prevented amorous endeavours and which may prove to be an impediment until next season as a clean incision can take longer to heal. Our thoughts go out to this brave creature to sustain him in his hour of need.

Doc Barbara encourages frogs to mate

   Here we see our indomitable heroine holding a sex symbol frog at dead of night to stimulate the reluctant frogs in her pond to mate as Nature intended. The flags are to encourage a sense of patriotism and British zeal in her underactive amphibians.

W.U.G. ASKS FOR FROG ADVICE

   From the letters page of  "The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece":

   We, of the W.U.G. (Women's Undomesticated Group), would like to know how exactly Doc Barbara encourages her frogs to mate.  We held a meeting to discuss the question of the disappearing tadpole  and the evident decline in frog libido: many members came up with highly imaginative suggestions, none of which seemed practical. If Doc Barbara will advise us, we will prepare for next Spring as we always anticipate matters. If wellies, waders, sou'westers or landing nets are required we will hold a series of  bicycle basket sales (we do not approve of cars) to provide the money. The frogs of Britain can count on us!

   Editor's reply: We have published a photograph of Doc Barbara (above) at her task of  raising F.M.A (Frog Mating Awareness) in the rain.  She is holding a wooden model frog of accepted sexually attractive appearance (for frogs) to inspire them and is wearing Union flags to symbolise their patriotic duty. In the background, unseen, are E.A.Ts (Expert Amphibian Trainers) who are watching out for creatures avoiding Doc Barbara's ministrations.

   Note from the reporter from "The Brynbuga Beagle" The photo looks strangely familiar to me. I will offer the old girl some aphrodisiacal water from my pond. My frogs are at it constantly in March: there must be something about her that puts them off the whole idea.

Doc Barbara worried about frogs

   It has come to our attention that Doc Barbara, concerned for wildlife as always, is deeply troubled about the lack of frogs in her pond this year: "Normally there is a mass of spawn followed, according to Mother Nature's eternal decree, by tadpoles and froglets, but this year my pond is barren," she reports.  "I have done everything, given them tasty morsels to eat and sometimes sat by the pond all night under my umbrella to support them in multiplying.  But to no avail. 

   Finally, I asked a neighbour to give me two frogs of, I hope, different genders.  I placed them in turn on one of my new circular tea bags to give them a soft springboard into the pond. After all, I learned so much from my attendance at the World Diving Cup Finals.  It was a crisis and, at such a crucial moment, I believe in decisiveness: I always bite the bull by the horns."

   Editor's note:  Here we have another of Doc Barbara's felicitous mixing of aphorisms for dramatic effect but I have one query. Is it just me or is there a problem of scale on the photograph?