Monday, 25 May 2015

Doc Barbara's Whatsit

        As her devoted followers in this newspaper know and as those who pass her in the street soon come to realise, Doc Barbara is not vain about her own personal appearance but is always sympathetic to the foibles of others. She has frequently heard women ask each other: "Does my bottom look fat in this?" and noted that the friend always answers negatively. Also she has learned that such people buy expensive devices like electronic bracelets to check on their daily health, number of steps taken and general amplitude and has come to feel that this situation must be remedied. Appreciating that perpetual motion is the key and that one should never be seated during the day, she is in the middle of inventing a gadget which will encourage this.
       The process is yet to be completed but the item will consist of a drawing pin attached to a low-slung ribbon worn round the hips with the pin at the rear so that the wearer is alerted when s/he attempts a sedentary posture. This widget, to be named the Fatbotsitnot, will be given away free but users are invited to make a donation to her current favourite charity: The Society for the Increase of frog Numbers. (Those who observe the lower case 'f' will recall that amongst Doc Barbara's few faults is slight xenophobia). We do not have a photograph of the Fatbotsitnot as yet but our cub reporter (who will keep using his initiative despite our warnings) has provided us with an image of one swan demanding of another: "Does my backside look big like this?"

Thursday, 14 May 2015

Vital Clue to Disappearance of Frogs

   A few weeks ago Doc Barbara called upon the investigative expertise of the W.U.G. (Women's Undomesticated Group) to help solve the problem of her frogless pond. She had hoped to enlist Alpha Male Pin-Up Mr Froggie to inspire others to return and perform their Springtime duties of procreation but this exclusive photograph shows why this may not be possible for some time.

   Doc Barbara believes that her ally had realised that the pond needed a sloping plank of wood to help his fellow amphibians climb out and had gone to a carpentry workshop to create a suitable exit strategy. Here, on a cutting edge piece of equipment, our hero sustained the injury which has prevented amorous endeavours and which may prove to be an impediment until next season as a clean incision can take longer to heal. Our thoughts go out to this brave creature to sustain him in his hour of need.

Monday, 4 May 2015

Doc Barbara Gets the Bird

   Although Doc Barbara wishes to harmonise with all living creatures, with a special preference for the lower invertebrates, she has not yet managed to love the call of the wood pigeon, finding it, if she were to be totally honest within herself, monotonous and unimaginative. 

   A believer in making small adjustments wherever her talents seem relevant, she has decided to re-educate this creature and teach it to vary its song with a theme at the start, a different melody in the middle and a return to the original adorned with flourishes at the end, in the general format of a Handelian da capo aria. Here, we are delighted to report, is a photograph of the bird emerging for its first lesson, head to one side and clearly keen to commence.