The Search for Doc Barbara

   Here we see the detective branch of the local W.U.G. (Women's Undomesticated Group) examining the waters in Bath for any clue to Doc Barbara's whereabouts since her mysterious disappearance several days ago. When they met with no success, they alerted other bodies [unfortunate choice of words perhaps: Ed.] to search, including their sons, who are tough and persistent characters - they have had to be since their mothers are so entirely devoid of culinary or any other household accomplishments. One thought the bicycle pictured bottom right might be hers but it did look rather small even for her modest requirements.

   More worrying was this possible sighting photographed below, although the leader of the W.U.G is certain that Doc Barbara does not ride in this cavalier posture but always leans forwards alertly over her handlebars.

   We appeal to all our readers, even our rivals at The Brynbuga Beagle, to watch closely and report any information which might lead to her.

   Footnote from the Editor of The Brynbuga Beagle: Indeed we will assist in any way we can and are quite (two possible meanings there) wretched at the thought she might have come to harm. In fact we have reconsidered our scepticism and are sorry we ever doubted the fabulousness of some of her exploits. We admire her devotion to wildlife as seen in her globally acknowledged worm-training programme and her artistic efforts must be applauded in their ambition. We want her back amongst us if only to calm referendum fever as she did for the last general election.

Doc Barbara's Sensational Disappearance

   We at The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece are deeply concerned to learn that Doc Barbara has not been sighted recently, so much so that we actually sent our cub reporter to investigate, since there was no-one else available. In one of his rare episodes of efficiency, he tracked her last known movements to Bath Spa and forwarded these photos: the collage shows her arrival in the famous and elegant Pump Room where all is quiet (bottom right) until one guest (top photo) notices her arrival and alerts the orchestra who begin to play: "Hail the conquering hero comes" - note the modern tendency to de-genderisation.

   Doc Barbara then consumed all the items on the three-tier stand (she has admitted to a tendency to gluttony) holding out her little finger in genteel fashion as she drank her tea since she had already practised the appropriate aristocratic behaviour for her meeting with Prince Charles.

   

   After that, looking noticeably plumper, she went to visit the famous Roman baths where she was seen preparing to immerse herself in the atmosphere for a fuller experience.

   This is the last our cub reporter saw of her and we are now sending him on a training course entitled; "When is it acceptable for a peacetime photographer to intervene."

Editor's note: It was only when we came to filling out the application form that he revealed his first name. Until now we have always called him by his surname, Mr Twaddle, unaccountably pronounced with a short "a" as in "cat", but now we can more happily refer to him as Bob.

Doc Barbara moves up the Chain of Being

   Readers will have noted Doc Barbara's interest in invertebrates (in her worm-training programme which was hugely successful) and amphibians (in her encouragement to male frogs to perform their natural functions this spring which inexplicably failed to achieve its aims, despite help from the W.U.G) and may have wondered why she does not engage with other species.

   She is well aware that the higher animals come close to humanity in the great Chain of Being and has always been deterred from any dealing with monkeys or apes since the phrase "group of primates" always brings to her mind unwanted images of bishops in conclave (somewhat unfortunately the reverse is also the case).  However, on her recent travels, she encountered scenes of distress which she felt necessitated her help. When she saw two sheep in a muddy field, cold and wet with their wool bedraggled, she bought them substantial raincoats, intended for larger dogs and was relieved to see them much happier as a result.

   She then observed two bears struggling to carry a heavy bench - back-breaking work - and ran to ask six sturdy male passers-by for their assistance. After several minutes of bewildered consultation, they obliged and all is now well.

   Yet, did our heroine rest? She may have relaxed physically after her exertions but her mind remained active attempting to answer the existentialist questions; "Why do sheep always behave like sheep?" and: "If there are two bears in a garden does that make it a bear garden?" Truly, Doc Barbara spares herself nothing to promote public benefit.

Doc Barbara Keeps Up

   We at The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece admit that Doc Barbara has a general tendency to be retrospective, a trait that our rival reporters in The Brynbuga Beagle mention frequently with a tone we can only describe as gloating.

   We are therefore delighted to record her latest venture which is keeping pace with the bluest sky thinking in media circles. She has recently heard of the concept of genre mashing and considers this an excellent notion, combining the best in all forms of entertainment. Never one to think without action (though some feels she acts without thinking) she is now preparing to film a video entitled: "Bleak Expectations of the Zombies."

   This will be released on YouTube as soon as she can find actors willing to participate since some celebrities have inexplicably declined. She will next approach the W.U.G. (Women's Undomesticated Group) for their help despite the fact that they refuse to wear make-up. Unkind locals have commented that they will not need it in this instance.

   Here is Doc Barbara's mock-up of a possible scene but both participants have withdrawn because of vertigo.

Doc Barbara's Spring Initiative

   

   At this time of year Doc Barbara experiences a sense of awakening and her brain teems with new ideas. We know our readers will be fascinated by her latest plan and so we sent our cub reporter to her house to hear more. (Our chief man was engaged on a vital investigation into a meticulously planned and daring theft of a small handbag from an unattended supermarket trolley.) 

   Doc Barbara, although not a Feminist since she has a deep suspicion of words ending in "ist", nevertheless wants to promote the cause of women. She would like female gardeners to plant their borders with flowers and shrubs bearing girls' names thus introducing a bond between humans and Nature. Conversely, she would like expectant mothers to consider calling their babies (perhaps not boys, however) by the names of such plants some of which we have pictured here for inspiration: Rose; Rosemary; Holly; Lavender; Daisy; Daffodil; Primrose and Iris for example. We support her in this and with the possibilities of Lilac and even Pyrocantha but we confess to doubts about Nettle, Borage and Blanket-weed.

Doc Barbara's Morning Bewilderment

   When Doc Barbara awoke this morning she was amazed and discombobulated to see this object at the end of her bed. For one moment terror struck our heroine but her habitual sang froid soon reasserted itself. Cold rationality took over and she invoked the example of Sherlock Holmes to give herself courage and to decipher and interpret what she was seeing. 

   Fortunately her eye soon rested on her discarded leotard on a nearby chair and, in a flash of inspiration, she deduced that she had forgotten to remove her Yoga socks the night before. She had been so exhausted with the effort of wrapping her right leg round her left hip and, indeed, recalling which was which, that she had fallen asleep almost immediately. We, of this newspaper, are delighted to report that no severe after shocks have affected her and that she is on course once again for yet more exploits.

Doc Barbara has sartorial difficulties

   Doc Barbara likes to present a decent and plausible appearance in order to draw support for her many good causes but she has a tough time with her clothes. Her arms are shortening with age and her legs are the wrong length - indeed she sometimes wonders if they are the same length. Also her garments have magnetic appeal for items of food: blobs of melted chocolate (she is partial to crumbly truffles) or brightly coloured chutney frequently appear on her blouses to the dismay of all.

  Recently, her daughter cooked a delicious family dinner of roasted lamb chops with tomatoes and potatoes but, when being served, one of the chops flew off the tray and commenced a trajectory towards the other guests. Quick as the proverbial brown fox lauded in typing training, Doc Barbara interposed herself between the meat and its recipient, causing the lamb to land centrally on her tummy and thighs, leaving translucent greasy patches.

   Nothing daunted, she rushed to the bathroom, applied a handy bar of patented stain-removal soap and, muttering: "Out dratted spot" (as Doc Barbara never swears) successfully obliterated the marks, despite the fact that they now resembled a map of the United Kingdom and she is a devoted patriot. We fear we have no photographs as our trainee cameraman arrived too late and could not take a picture of something that had vanished.