POST-OLYMPIC SUSTAINABILITY: THE LEGACY

   Doc Barbara applauds with both hands the idea of maintaining the spirit of the Games once they are over. She therefore decided to choose one activity with which to inspire others but (being of a solitary, retiring and frugal nature) she deemed equestrian, sailing and other team sports inappropriate.

 After practising gymnastics on a sandy beach with ball and hoop, clad in a minimal leotard and drawing gasps and comments from the assembled crowd, she felt humbled by their response but also wary of causing competition to the young girl from nearby Pontypool whose talents she did not wish to challenge. She therefore decided on swimming and firstly mounted a cliff in her half-price bargain shortie wet-suit to find a suitable diving spot:

before essaying to cartwheel into the sea along the shingle; "There's more than one way to skin a sausage roll," she called enigmatically over her shoulder as she hit the briny.

   Note from the Editor of "The Pontypool Pontificator": our gymnast is, of course, quaking in her spray-on pumps but does this photo of Doc Barbara's empty trainers mean that the dear old dab has finally met her Water-loo? or merely popped off to the latter?

   (PS from reporter: "We have removed the photo of the trainers as it was causing alarm and grief.)

Olympics Security: W.U.G Offers Emergency Help

   The Women's Undomesticated Group (W.U.G.) deeply resents the insinuations that Doc Barbara had anything to do with this present deplorable outcome.  [This reference concerns the last-minute panic over security at the Games].

   We are preparing to back our role model by offering our assistance at the Olympic Park, which we now know to be at Stratford without the upon-Avon appendage. We discovered that on our lengthy and misguided outing to the birthplace of the Bard.


   We are well trained because we conduct out bicycle basket sales with the utmosr care and we now propose to purchase Sherlock Holmes deer-stalkers, capes and magnifying glasses for the purpose. By mingling with the crowds so accoutred, we will add a truly British celebratory note to this mundane though vital work.

   This artist's impression shows how we will look, the arrow pointing to where make-up is most needed.

Olympics Security and Doc Barbara: Note by the Correspondent on The Brynbuga Beagle

   It is all very well for The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece to deny any involvement on the part of Doc Barbara in the present security scandal at the Olympics (see "Doc Barbara Nearly Arrested" in the April archive) but I have interviewed one of the guards who accosted her on that fateful day. "We were completely taken aback," he claimed, "as she waved her brolly vehemently  and talked vociferously about challenges coming from man-made environments and the assonance of the term 'helter-skelter', so that me and my mates decided to pack it in, after consulting our dictionaries - although we do speak fluent English and have been tested on it. I have advised all our members of the O.O.P.S (Olympic Only Park Security) to resign, since, if that is what we get from an Englishwoman, what can we expect from all these foreigners? - although we have also been screened for xenophobia."

  My opinion, as experienced reporter for our superior local paper and television spectator, is that Mr Buckles (or is it Bubbles - or Bobbles?) must also have tangled with Doc Barbara as he seems bereft of speech and sense as are most people who encounter her. Clearly there have been more terrifying experiences in his life than facing an official enquiry.

Editor's Note on Olympic Security

There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that the present worrying state of security for the Olympics is due to the earlier scare as Doc Barbara attempted to climb what she believed was a helter-skelter. Some detractors have opined that the security staff who tried to arrest her were so traumatised by their encounter with our indomitable and formidable heroine that they withdrew from duty and encouraged others to do the same. The full account may be read in our archive: "Doc Barbara Nearly Arrested" where her innocence is proved and the ambiguous photograph published.

Doc Barbara Achieves New Heights

   The many admirers of Doc Barbara are aware that she is always on the look-out for challenges, however unlikely the environment.  On a recent trip to London's South Bank to see a production of Antigone (which she applauded throughout, so full was she of enthusiasm for the performances and so aware that the silence of the rest of the audience must have been discouraging for the actors) she found the territory offered ubiquitous opportunities for climbing.

  "I was thrilled," she admitted, "as usually such structures are for children only and we adults need exercise and excitement also. It is commendable that the authorities have taken this into account when developing the site." This newspaper is proud to have obtained an exclusive photograph (above) of her embarking on the first ascent and a second (below) of her being helped by a comrade later, having stripped for the ladderless escalade and lost considerable weight through her previous exertions. What indomitable spirit! What enterprise! How our town should exult!

   Note from the reporter of The Brynbuga Beagle: I do not wish to cast aspersions on the veracity of the photographs in The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece but, on the second, she does seem a trifle too insubstantial and one hand of the assistant is surely at the wrong angle for supporting another person.

Latest scoop: photo of pin-up frog afterwards

   Editor's note: we are now in possession of a photograph which shows Doc Barbara's model frog, the one she used to heighten libido in those in her pond, after the encouragement session. The creature does seem exhausted but is still wearing a patriotic shoulder (?) band and maintains in repose a certain erotic appeal, we assume; not being amphibians ourselves it is difficult to be certain but the curvaceousness, doe eye(s), slender legs and pouting lips are much in evidence.

Doc Barbara encourages frogs to mate

   Here we see our indomitable heroine holding a sex symbol frog at dead of night to stimulate the reluctant frogs in her pond to mate as Nature intended. The flags are to encourage a sense of patriotism and British zeal in her underactive amphibians.