DOC BARBARA IN PARIS

   Doc Barbara, being of a retiring and patriotic nature, rarely goes abroad but, when she does, she carries the example of British Womanhood with her: brave, stiff-upper-lipped and looking for opportunities to help.

   On a recent trip to Paris she observed what was clearly a  massive stolen diamond projecting from the ground and unnoticed by casual passers-by, except for one man in a white jacket raising the alarm. Not one to remain silent when danger looms, she spoke loudly and emphatically in her ultra-correct French (remembered accurately from school) to three nearby gendarmes. They promptly investigated by the simple expedient of turning to look; she was then able to reassure those around her that all was now well.

  Modern architecture is a challenge to us all.

   Comment by the reporter of the rival paper to The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece:
Someone ought to confiscate this woman's passport or what will happen to the entente cordiale? Brynbuga
Beagle

CAN SHE OR CAN SHE NOT?

Doc Barbara is resolutely set against allowing undue adulation amongst her many fans but, recently, one of the leading members of the W.U.G.(Women's Undomesticated Group) opined that, if she tried, our local heroine could levitate from a special pod erected for that purpose.  In the true spirit of the legend of King Canute, Doc Barbara agreed to undergo the experiment, with the aim of proving that she does not have supernormal powers, "I never bite off more bullets than I can chew," she stated enigmatically to our cub reporter. Yet afterwards the pod was mysteriously empty.

Someone else was observed waiting for her to descend..

Afterwards

 

DOC BARBARA CALMS SUSPECT

   Doc Barbara is a strong proponent of law and order even though she has been accused by her few detractors of spreading the reverse. On a recent visit to a market town, she observed a person, archaically dressed, with a wild-eyed look and a sword in hand. Clearly this individual was about to break the window of a nearby greengrocer and so Doc Barbara nobly and featly sprang to the rescue.

   Holding his or her arm - it was not immediately apparent which - she spoke firmly yet soothingly and led him/her to a place of greater safety. There she sent for a flagon of local water, told many funny yet uplifting stories and reassured passers-by: "It was just a sheep in knight's clothing."

   Editor's comment: How is our small town to live up to the stirring example of Doc Barbara?  Not only do we revere her heroic deeds but also her turn of phrase which adds poetry and further inspiration to the event.

   Note by the reporter of The Brynbuga Beagle: I assume Doc Barbara is the one on the right.

POST-OLYMPIC SUSTAINABILITY: THE LEGACY

   Doc Barbara applauds with both hands the idea of maintaining the spirit of the Games once they are over. She therefore decided to choose one activity with which to inspire others but (being of a solitary, retiring and frugal nature) she deemed equestrian, sailing and other team sports inappropriate.

 After practising gymnastics on a sandy beach with ball and hoop, clad in a minimal leotard and drawing gasps and comments from the assembled crowd, she felt humbled by their response but also wary of causing competition to the young girl from nearby Pontypool whose talents she did not wish to challenge. She therefore decided on swimming and firstly mounted a cliff in her half-price bargain shortie wet-suit to find a suitable diving spot:

before essaying to cartwheel into the sea along the shingle; "There's more than one way to skin a sausage roll," she called enigmatically over her shoulder as she hit the briny.

   Note from the Editor of "The Pontypool Pontificator": our gymnast is, of course, quaking in her spray-on pumps but does this photo of Doc Barbara's empty trainers mean that the dear old dab has finally met her Water-loo? or merely popped off to the latter?

   (PS from reporter: "We have removed the photo of the trainers as it was causing alarm and grief.)

Olympics Security: W.U.G Offers Emergency Help

   The Women's Undomesticated Group (W.U.G.) deeply resents the insinuations that Doc Barbara had anything to do with this present deplorable outcome.  [This reference concerns the last-minute panic over security at the Games].

   We are preparing to back our role model by offering our assistance at the Olympic Park, which we now know to be at Stratford without the upon-Avon appendage. We discovered that on our lengthy and misguided outing to the birthplace of the Bard.


   We are well trained because we conduct out bicycle basket sales with the utmosr care and we now propose to purchase Sherlock Holmes deer-stalkers, capes and magnifying glasses for the purpose. By mingling with the crowds so accoutred, we will add a truly British celebratory note to this mundane though vital work.

   This artist's impression shows how we will look, the arrow pointing to where make-up is most needed.

Olympics Security and Doc Barbara: Note by the Correspondent on The Brynbuga Beagle

   It is all very well for The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece to deny any involvement on the part of Doc Barbara in the present security scandal at the Olympics (see "Doc Barbara Nearly Arrested" in the April archive) but I have interviewed one of the guards who accosted her on that fateful day. "We were completely taken aback," he claimed, "as she waved her brolly vehemently  and talked vociferously about challenges coming from man-made environments and the assonance of the term 'helter-skelter', so that me and my mates decided to pack it in, after consulting our dictionaries - although we do speak fluent English and have been tested on it. I have advised all our members of the O.O.P.S (Olympic Only Park Security) to resign, since, if that is what we get from an Englishwoman, what can we expect from all these foreigners? - although we have also been screened for xenophobia."

  My opinion, as experienced reporter for our superior local paper and television spectator, is that Mr Buckles (or is it Bubbles - or Bobbles?) must also have tangled with Doc Barbara as he seems bereft of speech and sense as are most people who encounter her. Clearly there have been more terrifying experiences in his life than facing an official enquiry.

Editor's Note on Olympic Security

There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that the present worrying state of security for the Olympics is due to the earlier scare as Doc Barbara attempted to climb what she believed was a helter-skelter. Some detractors have opined that the security staff who tried to arrest her were so traumatised by their encounter with our indomitable and formidable heroine that they withdrew from duty and encouraged others to do the same. The full account may be read in our archive: "Doc Barbara Nearly Arrested" where her innocence is proved and the ambiguous photograph published.