The Professor is a deeply emotional man who was forced to abandon his study of Roman burial practices because he all too frequently burst into copious tears at the very thought of anyone dying. He then turned his attention to what he believed would be a happier topic: gift-giving rituals in South West Lancashire. However, he was profoundly disturbed to discover only two such and miserably concluded that generosity is not a predominant characteristic of the natives of that area. We are grateful to him and to his university of Much-Mickling-in-the-Mire for his interest in our heroine, now that she has been found safe and well.
Yet again we were obliged to trust the initial interview with Professor Ramsbottom-Thrutch to our cub reporter, Bob Twaddle but, since his flimsy grasp of grammar and punctuation deserted him in an attack of stage fright, we are publishing the dialogue verbatim from his tape-recorder.
B.T: Welcome to ... Where are we? I can't remember!
R-T: I never know where I am - I am too vague yet important for such details.
B.T: How do you propose to conduct your study? [relief all round at Head Office that he managed a coherent question]
R-T. I shall deviate between the Frankfurt Critical Method and a Subconventional Matrix, more commonly referred to as S.M.
B.T. What drew you to this topic? [More relief]
R-T: When I heard she was missing I was overwhelmed with grief, such as I was at the passing of the late lamented P.... [Here the poor man was overcome with sobs and the interview had to be concluded]
Our cub reporter did send a photograph of the Professor, however, though aspects of it puzzle us. The bowed head of Bob Twaddle shows his paralysing respect for the venerable gentleman.