Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Editor's note: we are now in possession of a photograph which shows Doc Barbara's model frog, the one she used to heighten libido in those in her pond, after the encouragement session. The creature does seem exhausted but is still wearing a patriotic shoulder (?) band and maintains in repose a certain erotic appeal, we assume; not being amphibians ourselves it is difficult to be certain but the curvaceousness, doe eye(s), slender legs and pouting lips are much in evidence.
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
From the letters page of "The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece":
We, of the W.U.G. (Women's Undomesticated Group), would like to know how exactly Doc Barbara encourages her frogs to mate. We held a meeting to discuss the question of the disappearing tadpole and the evident decline in frog libido: many members came up with highly imaginative suggestions, none of which seemed practical. If Doc Barbara will advise us, we will prepare for next Spring as we always anticipate matters. If wellies, waders, sou'westers or landing nets are required we will hold a series of bicycle basket sales (we do not approve of cars) to provide the money. The frogs of Britain can count on us!
Editor's reply: We have published a photograph of Doc Barbara (above) at her task of raising F.M.A (Frog Mating Awareness) in the rain. She is holding a wooden model frog of accepted sexually attractive appearance (for frogs) to inspire them and is wearing Union flags to symbolise their patriotic duty. In the background, unseen, are E.A.Ts (Expert Amphibian Trainers) who are watching out for creatures avoiding Doc Barbara's ministrations.
Note from the reporter from "The Brynbuga Beagle" The photo looks strangely familiar to me. I will offer the old girl some aphrodisiacal water from my pond. My frogs are at it constantly in March: there must be something about her that puts them off the whole idea.
Monday, 4 June 2012
As we know, Doc Barbara is modest and lowly but does occasionally find herself in high places. Seated on a camping chair covered with bunting on the Millennium Bridge, she waited for five hours in cold wind and rain, lifting the spirits of those around her by whistling Handel's Water Music. Despite polite (well, mostly polite) suggestions that she should not trouble herself, she persisted, waving her super de luxe flag with one hand and eating sausage rolls with the other. Cheering wildly and held by the belt from behind by an onlooker, she leaned over and gave the Queen her special wave.
She loved the bells, the flotilla, the Dunkirk boats, everything about it and ended by interviewing a herald in detail on the train home about what he did when he was not in his ceremonial gear. He seemed delighted despite a long icy day on the Queen's barge. Doc Barbara is known for her amazing stamina when all around are tiring.
Ed's note: We dispute the suggestion that Doc Barbara is tone deaf. Also we know that she can whistle and eat flaky pastry simultaneously: she is happy to prove it on demand though challengers are advised to wear protective gear to comply with Health and Safety Regulations.