DOC BARBARA AND THE INTERACTIVE COW

   Wherever Doc Barbara goes she tries to bring vitality to her surroundings by her enthusiastic activities even though these may be entirely voluntary.and, in some unfortunate cases, unappreciated by onlookers.  Yet we, in this paper, the "Monmouthshire Mouthpiece", support her endeavours and are proud to publicise them by photographs and articles as exemplifying the best of our historic British spirit. Here she is demonstrating how a cow might have been milked in past centuries to those who do not understand rural life and, whilst Trafalgar Square may be an unusual choice of venue for such an exploit, she drew much interest and varied vocal responses (including relevant animal imitations) before the police arrived.

PHENOMENAL SUCCESS IN WORM TRAINING PROGRAMME

   Here we have a clear view of the advanced worm training patch after the incredible results of the first stage of teaching worms to pull fallen leaves into the soil by their stalks to make the ground more fertile. Despite the recent inclement weather, which deterred neither Doc Barbara nor her specially selected worms, all leaves were removed from both grassy and non-grassy areas. Visible in the rear is the stone construction from which the leader worm shouted instructions and encouragement to exhort his followers in their time-honoured occupation. Keen gardeners who would like advice on methodology should leave their questions: Doc Barbara will respond as soon as time permits as she expects an unprecedented rush of queries. This newspaper is proud to promote such a patriotic and worthwhile enterprise in the true historic spirit of British scientific experimentation.

DOC BARBARA'S WORM TRAINING PROGRAMME

   When Doc Barbara was at junior school, she learned that earthworms fertilise the soil by coming to the surface, finding the stem of a leaf and pulling it down, thus forming a neat spiral with organic matter for enrichment. However, she has recently noticed that the leaves are remaining where they fall and, with her advanced powers of ratiocination, she concluded that modern worms need extra training to do this. 

  Here is an exclusive photograph of the patch ready for preparation for senior worms, the cadets having started out on easier terrain. With exemplary thoroughness, she intends to point every leaf downwards with the stalk in the soil to show the technique and she hopes that parent worms will pass on this knowledge to their offspring. She also wishes that all gardeners would copy her example and train the new generation. It will ultimately be for the benefit of all mankind.

DOC BARBARA AND THE ANONYMOUS SNOWMAN

   This snowman had no name and suffered in silence until our heroine came to his rescue.  Doc Barbara has both a theoretical and practical side to her complex nature and believes that snowmen should, during their brief lives, have the reassurance of a nomenclature. Donning two old tennis raquets as snow shoes she set off with the intrepid intention of  attaching tags to neighbouring constructs and finally found one worthy of her devoted intentions. Someone suggested that she should call him Cecil instead of Parson Brown but she replied: "Oh no! Every Tom, Dick or Harry is called Cecil."

DOC BARBARA ATTEMPTS PILATES

   Doc Barbara's many followers are all anxious to hear what New Year resolution she may have made. We are happy to be able to satisfy their curiosity by announcing that, devoted as always to self-improvement, she has vowed to practise Pilates. Apart from tangling up her limbs at the back of a class at the local Scout Hall, she performs at home from DVD's, although she is not yet as skilled as the young lady in this photo. 

   At first she was horrified by the appeals to personal vanity on the discs but quickly resolved this problem. Dressed in cosy fleece pyjamas in a vibrant pink with brown spots, she avoids any exercise which promises aesthetic amelioration and ideals of the Perfect Shape.  "I do not need Long Lean Legs," she told our cub reporter. "My legs may be stubby and short but they are sturdy and reach the ground in a perfectly satisfactory fashion. And, as for glutes - we never had them in my day and I have no intention of growing them at this time of life."

IMG_4074b, a photo by toniwbusch on Flickr.

Boris Johnson agog at Doc Barbara's heroism

 

 "Let us all shout Hip Hip Hooray together!"

   Here we see Boris Johnson, honoured Mayor of London, open-mouthed with amazement at hearing of some of Doc Barbara's fabulous exploits. He has only just been made aware of her adventures in the capital: her near arrest on the Olympic Park in April 2012; her friends' contribution to the Olympic security crisis when the W.U.G. (Women's Undomesticated Group) took over this key role and her patriotic attendance in the cold on the Millenium Bridge at the Jubilee River Pageant.

   When he realised that she had also met Prince Charles for a biscuit-dunking competition and that David Cameron had spoken out concerning her symbolic representation of the Big Society, he asked for this photograph to be taken to show his admiration of her doings, particularly on his home patch. He also hopes to introduce her methods of boosting frog libido to increase the amphibian population in ponds all over London. This image clearly states: "Hurrah for Doc Barbara and her example to us all."

All these fascinating articles - and more - from back issues of "The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece" may be read on this website
Thanks to Steve Dave for photograph

NEW EPISODE IN FROG SAGA

   Our regular readers (who increase daily by geometric progression) and who follow Doc Barbara's activities with avid interest, will recall that she used a sex-symbol model to encourage the reluctant frogs in her garden to mate. They were moved by the photo which showed that, after a night on duty, the pin-up creature was completely exhausted (see June issue).

   Here we show an unexpected result: Froggie seems to have found an inamorata of his own and has clearly taken pity on the bandaged ankle of the beloved. However, he seems to be taking the ethic of courtly love a little too far by playing himself the distant and unobtainable role usually attributable to the lady.  Doc Barbara informs us that she will discuss the matter with him before the Spring and we all hope that this latest development will improve the worrying situation in her pond.
   By the Editor of The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece

Reporter from the Brynbuga Beagle: I just can't wait!!! This is a matter of utmost amphibian importance. Does the beauteous lady have a foot missing? How does she hop? An easy conquest I'd say.