Boris Johnson agog at Doc Barbara's heroism

 

 "Let us all shout Hip Hip Hooray together!"

   Here we see Boris Johnson, honoured Mayor of London, open-mouthed with amazement at hearing of some of Doc Barbara's fabulous exploits. He has only just been made aware of her adventures in the capital: her near arrest on the Olympic Park in April 2012; her friends' contribution to the Olympic security crisis when the W.U.G. (Women's Undomesticated Group) took over this key role and her patriotic attendance in the cold on the Millenium Bridge at the Jubilee River Pageant.

   When he realised that she had also met Prince Charles for a biscuit-dunking competition and that David Cameron had spoken out concerning her symbolic representation of the Big Society, he asked for this photograph to be taken to show his admiration of her doings, particularly on his home patch. He also hopes to introduce her methods of boosting frog libido to increase the amphibian population in ponds all over London. This image clearly states: "Hurrah for Doc Barbara and her example to us all."

All these fascinating articles - and more - from back issues of "The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece" may be read on this website
Thanks to Steve Dave for photograph

NEW EPISODE IN FROG SAGA

   Our regular readers (who increase daily by geometric progression) and who follow Doc Barbara's activities with avid interest, will recall that she used a sex-symbol model to encourage the reluctant frogs in her garden to mate. They were moved by the photo which showed that, after a night on duty, the pin-up creature was completely exhausted (see June issue).

   Here we show an unexpected result: Froggie seems to have found an inamorata of his own and has clearly taken pity on the bandaged ankle of the beloved. However, he seems to be taking the ethic of courtly love a little too far by playing himself the distant and unobtainable role usually attributable to the lady.  Doc Barbara informs us that she will discuss the matter with him before the Spring and we all hope that this latest development will improve the worrying situation in her pond.
   By the Editor of The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece

Reporter from the Brynbuga Beagle: I just can't wait!!! This is a matter of utmost amphibian importance. Does the beauteous lady have a foot missing? How does she hop? An easy conquest I'd say.

DOC BARBARA IN PARIS

   Doc Barbara, being of a retiring and patriotic nature, rarely goes abroad but, when she does, she carries the example of British Womanhood with her: brave, stiff-upper-lipped and looking for opportunities to help.

   On a recent trip to Paris she observed what was clearly a  massive stolen diamond projecting from the ground and unnoticed by casual passers-by, except for one man in a white jacket raising the alarm. Not one to remain silent when danger looms, she spoke loudly and emphatically in her ultra-correct French (remembered accurately from school) to three nearby gendarmes. They promptly investigated by the simple expedient of turning to look; she was then able to reassure those around her that all was now well.

  Modern architecture is a challenge to us all.

   Comment by the reporter of the rival paper to The Monmouthshire Mouthpiece:
Someone ought to confiscate this woman's passport or what will happen to the entente cordiale? Brynbuga
Beagle

CAN SHE OR CAN SHE NOT?

Doc Barbara is resolutely set against allowing undue adulation amongst her many fans but, recently, one of the leading members of the W.U.G.(Women's Undomesticated Group) opined that, if she tried, our local heroine could levitate from a special pod erected for that purpose.  In the true spirit of the legend of King Canute, Doc Barbara agreed to undergo the experiment, with the aim of proving that she does not have supernormal powers, "I never bite off more bullets than I can chew," she stated enigmatically to our cub reporter. Yet afterwards the pod was mysteriously empty.

Someone else was observed waiting for her to descend..

Afterwards

 

DOC BARBARA CALMS SUSPECT

   Doc Barbara is a strong proponent of law and order even though she has been accused by her few detractors of spreading the reverse. On a recent visit to a market town, she observed a person, archaically dressed, with a wild-eyed look and a sword in hand. Clearly this individual was about to break the window of a nearby greengrocer and so Doc Barbara nobly and featly sprang to the rescue.

   Holding his or her arm - it was not immediately apparent which - she spoke firmly yet soothingly and led him/her to a place of greater safety. There she sent for a flagon of local water, told many funny yet uplifting stories and reassured passers-by: "It was just a sheep in knight's clothing."

   Editor's comment: How is our small town to live up to the stirring example of Doc Barbara?  Not only do we revere her heroic deeds but also her turn of phrase which adds poetry and further inspiration to the event.

   Note by the reporter of The Brynbuga Beagle: I assume Doc Barbara is the one on the right.

POST-OLYMPIC SUSTAINABILITY: THE LEGACY

   Doc Barbara applauds with both hands the idea of maintaining the spirit of the Games once they are over. She therefore decided to choose one activity with which to inspire others but (being of a solitary, retiring and frugal nature) she deemed equestrian, sailing and other team sports inappropriate.

 After practising gymnastics on a sandy beach with ball and hoop, clad in a minimal leotard and drawing gasps and comments from the assembled crowd, she felt humbled by their response but also wary of causing competition to the young girl from nearby Pontypool whose talents she did not wish to challenge. She therefore decided on swimming and firstly mounted a cliff in her half-price bargain shortie wet-suit to find a suitable diving spot:

before essaying to cartwheel into the sea along the shingle; "There's more than one way to skin a sausage roll," she called enigmatically over her shoulder as she hit the briny.

   Note from the Editor of "The Pontypool Pontificator": our gymnast is, of course, quaking in her spray-on pumps but does this photo of Doc Barbara's empty trainers mean that the dear old dab has finally met her Water-loo? or merely popped off to the latter?

   (PS from reporter: "We have removed the photo of the trainers as it was causing alarm and grief.)

Olympics Security: W.U.G Offers Emergency Help

   The Women's Undomesticated Group (W.U.G.) deeply resents the insinuations that Doc Barbara had anything to do with this present deplorable outcome.  [This reference concerns the last-minute panic over security at the Games].

   We are preparing to back our role model by offering our assistance at the Olympic Park, which we now know to be at Stratford without the upon-Avon appendage. We discovered that on our lengthy and misguided outing to the birthplace of the Bard.


   We are well trained because we conduct out bicycle basket sales with the utmosr care and we now propose to purchase Sherlock Holmes deer-stalkers, capes and magnifying glasses for the purpose. By mingling with the crowds so accoutred, we will add a truly British celebratory note to this mundane though vital work.

   This artist's impression shows how we will look, the arrow pointing to where make-up is most needed.